kitty pictures and a throat clearing

Well I don't mind working cause I'm used to be jerking off most of my time in bars.

I've been a cabbie and a stock clerk and a soda fountain jock jerk and a manic mechanic on cars.

It's nice work if you can get it,

Now who the hell said it.

I got money to spend on my girl.

But this work never stops,

I've been busting my chops

Working for Joe and Sal.

(tom waits for no man)

You're a jerk sap nobody sailor,

a salty-skinned, wool-bearded, wet-sweatered failure.

For ten cents a weekend, you let your baby sit at home

to wonder why she has a car or a comb

Do the books, check the mail

While your baby goes stale.

Make the beds, bleach out blood

While your baby pulls pud.

Put a mint to bed

it'll melt on the pillows

Try to find Fred,

and tell him he still owes.

You have to know what to do and you have to do it,

don't listen to excuses,

don't get angry,

cigarettes are a good excuse to go outside

and a good icebreaker for bums you have to chase out,

get out at least once a day

keep the coffee stocked

keep checking the email,

don't let them get loud,

don't let outsiders in,

judge people, use stereotypes,

trust people only when they've trusted you,

tell them you have to check with the boss and not to look behind the curtain,

don't appear lazy or well-off,

don't respond to charm,

don't respond to insult,

don't leave your room too often or you'll make work for yourself,

also, don't appear to be isolating yourself,

be nice, but know when to refrain

be hard, but know when to be nice

don't accept too much, don't give too much

always greet, don't always engage

put up signs

don't appear sad, don't appear bored

i don't need no boat

or inflatable raft to float

i don't need no prizes

or subtle disguises

i just look in your eyeses

and my weiner, it rises

i don't need no train

and no walking cane

i don't need a new bike

or to fucking hitch hike

i don't need to go nowhere

as long as you share

i don't need my sight

or my hands to write

i don't need no ears

and eyes are for queers

all i need is my penis

and for you to have seen this

Denver

The bright lights of Denver are shining like diamonds,
like ten thousand jewels in the sky.
It's nobody's business where you're going or where you come from
and you're judged by the look in your eye.

-The Red Headed Stranger

leo burdock's

so yummy,

drips through your intestines

oils up your veins so that the fats can pass more easily through your arteries

fills scavenger gulls' ugly bellies

so they can scare the irishmen with their bloated cackles and get their wings run over on the quay

don't forget to add the extra salt and oil

or the heinz packs of tartar, brown sauce, ketchup if you're weird

the best reason i can think of to go to the land of rain and castles

green and cultural density, aloof strife and porter-black urine

Have A Glorious Christmas!

There have only been about two thousand christmases, which is not so many.  I've been in apartment buildings that house more than two thousand people.  One in two thousand is actually somewhat precious.  You will only have about eighty, and that is being very optimistic, unless you quit the junk food and the cigarettes and the unprotected sex through glory holes.

Christmas Wishes

1) That Edgar Alan Poe had lived long enough to write a story involving a glory hole.
2) HBO
3) One free candy cane for every man, woman and child.
4) Poof-a-doof hair.
5) A new alternator

Ever since the day you put my heart in motion, baby, i've realized that there's just no getting over you

I KNOW SHE'S A DRAGON

LOUIS RAN TO TOWN.  YOU CAN CATCH HIM ABOUT FIFTEEN.

THE ZEBAR AND ONO SHOW BOARDGAME.

Things I heard today include...

"I can help you over here."

"Thank you, sir."

"This is the number right? for Pauly... for the almonds."

"Have a good breakfast."

"A four year old kid got drunk and he broke into his neighbor's house.  At like three in the morning he drank a beer, got drunk and broke in and stole their presents, then he hid them in his house.  And one of the presents was a dress so he was wearing a dress and walking around.  And it was so sad.  They asked him on the news why he did it and he said his dad had just been put in jail so he wanted to go too so he could be with him."

"We could get a toy airplane and mount a video camera and fly to Pakiston and look for Osama bin Laden.  You'd get tired of it after a few hours but we could trade off."

"I'm going to cut out this picture [of Robert Patinson]."

"I was at Wal-Mart.  This kid... didn't have anything to do so he started greeting people.  I walked in and he said, 'Welcome to McDonald's.'"

"Go all the way back like you're going to run into the wall.  It's the second shelf from the bottom.  It's not much.  We don't get many of them in here."

"It's going to be an intense couple of months..."

"How many times do I got to tell you: you get enough patience, you become a doctor."

Copey va coso

Squids, squidies,
I think they like the day.
That is not a soft pitch
but an explosion of icy evening glamour,
like a junkie who knows he can pass on the needle
and smiles before he thumbs the plunger anywho,
like a divorced man who discovers lust
for the Chinese place down the block,
this is the temperature on the border of the inside
of nipple skin.
Keep the engine running.

my favorite cinematic experiences of the decade

1) The Royal Tenenbaums - Saw this with my family around Christmas time in Chicago. We missed the eight o'clock and went to the late show. I felt good vibes all around the theater and had a sense that everyone there had the same experience I did. We took the best cab ride of my life from the theater. Leather interior and jazz music and the cabbie wore a suit. He dropped us at Penn Station, which was empty and I felt buzzed on what I had just been shown. I had similar moments of quietude and borderline euphoria after the Darjeeling Limited and Mr. Fox.

2) The Rules of Attraction - I was kicked out of the theater five minutes in because I was 16 and I had actually bought my ticket to The Transporter. I had to get my mom to take me. This is my favorite adaptation ever of anything. If anyone but Avary tried half the absurdly pretentious devices that are in this movies, I would strongly dislike the result, but he never lets the film be about anything other than the story. His devices all simplify the story instead of complicating it and this is why it works. Here's some sound bites for you to show how clever and film literate I am:
- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of college comedies.
- The opposite of Death Proof. While Death Proof is an indie drama disguised as a horror movie, Rules is a horror movies disguised as an indie drama.
Few movies convey the dire existentialism of this movie and far fewer have the cinematic mastery.

3) Beowulf - I saw this movie in theaters three days in a row. Best 3-D movie to date, a reimagining of cinematic vocabulary with inventiveness on par with Citizen Kane. Also, an interesting literary analysis of one of the oldest known pieces of English writing. Also, a kick-ass monster movie.

4) Punch Drunk Love / There Will Be Blood - Polar opposites of movies that also strangely compliment each other. Both stories of a man alone in the world. One is an interpretation of ideal love in an alienated world, as seen by a spectator on really amazing pot. The other is the story of when the two worst people in the world meet each other.

5) Grindhouse - Not a movie exactly but it is a cinematic experience, one of the best I've ever had. I saw it on it's first Saturday with my dad and about seven other people were in the theater. Everyone laughed for three hours straight. If Planet Terror isn't Rodriguez's best film, it is certainly his best screenplay. Full of amazing comic book characterization pinned on some of the best actors in America. It's even funnier than Sin City and it looks just as cool. Maybe my favorite use of video photography in a feature film (or feature video, I guess). He wanted to make a Carpenter movie. It feels a bit like The Fog, but it has a lot more going on than The Fog. What it does really well like the old Carpenter movies is make you feel caught up in the middle of something. Some part of that is the seperate story lines that slowly pull together and the other part is just the jenny say qua of the auteurs.
What really cements Grindhouse as one experience, for me, is the Doctor Block scene in Death Proof. It inscludes the audience in on the fun on storytelling, yet it doesn't feel like a gimmick. It rolls off the Park boys' tongues as naturally as any Tarantino dialogue scene. When you watch it, you forget it is both a wink at the audience and an exposition scene because it is so much fun just to hear these characters speak to each other. It is also exemplary of the off-balance character of the Death Proof story. The scene goes nowhere plotwise, just like Jungle Julia's love story with Christian Siminson or her tense relationship with her visiting old friend. They blow up halfway through the movie and the last thing in the world I expected at that point was a simplistically happy ending, but in the end, they vanquished the monster and roll credits. Woo-Hoo! The broken plot threads, through some intuitive and intricate calculation, balance each other and form what is, I think, the best horror movie of the last ten years.

6) O Brother, Where Art Thou? - The very impressive feat of being the best Coen Brothers soundtrack. It made up a look, and a whole world more complete than any of their other films, and maybe anyone else's. It's a whole universe they create, just sitting there and waiting for its characters to find adventure in it, on par with the Star Wars galaxy.

7) Donnie Darko - No other movie has the feel of Donnie Darko. Reminds me of a dream I would have had as a kid after staying up to watch Poltergeist and falling asleep halfway through Poltergeist 2 at a friend's house. It is about real growing up problems, but it also scares you into a dream state like a good horror movie ought to (though this is really a sci-fi movie). It's sneaking out of your room and into the backyard in the moonlight, it's watching They Live in your friend's attic, it's playing Super Ghouls and Ghosts until 4 AM, it's being really scared of what you may grow into and finding tentative safety in your mother's smile and Pizza Hut and a Blockbuster Card and a Lay-Z-Boy on a carpeted floor.

8) Kill Bill Vol. 2 - Could be just that black and white, L'arena coffin scene and it would still be on my list. The only epic I know of that takes the time to tell the story of a shitkicker named Budd who has to unplug the toilet at a titty bar.

9) The Dark Knight - Christopher Nolan took fun, but arbitrary ideas, and gave them dramatic integrity. He made Batman, the Joker, Two Face not just entertaining and not just real; he made them poetic. This is an exceptionally well-timed, perfectly-constructed suspense piece, moral fable, and melodrama. This is the movie Fritz Lang would have made if he had lived to 200, had 100 million dollars, and had ever had a beating heart with human feelings in it to begin with. An amazing decade for popular fiction with dramatic integrity. See also: Spielberg, Abrams, Raimi.

10) Anchorman - One of the only comedies I've ever scene with the integrity to be funny at every single moment.