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Wednesday, May 5, 2010

there is no sayid!

what did he say?
that i lock them away in capsules while i think my days away
i don't think he said it so lyrically
maybe he didn't say it at all
he hears what he hears and i hear what i hear
and i get a faded polaroid back of myself
reversed one way organically in the lens and reversed again in another for correction
and it prints out and i flap it around while the colors breath into life
and what does it tell me?
that i'm a smart guy, i don't think i'm so smart
that i'm a nice guy, i don't know about that, i've never been put to the test
never been in a sub and the clock's running down on a package of C4
and ran it to the end of the sub to save half my friends
that'd be a way to go, but i'd only enjoy it for a second

i don't know if love's real or if i just don't feel it correctly
i said it bothers me that it doesn't bother me as much anymore,
that i only get a little sad now and then
it troubles me
i saw a guy getting on my plane in anchorage
with sunken eyes and a receding hair line
his polo shirt tucked into his pants,
staring at nothing, looking content
and i thought he had no love in his life

this guy told me he cried during the blind side
and i said what's happening to me at that moment will make me cry
when i'm moved by a movie, but not the movie itself
i cried during inglourious basterds and then went to
a christmas carol and cried during almost the whole thing,
hot continuous tears
why would somebody care enough to lie to me about loving me
if they didn't love me?
maybe that's the wrong question
it makes me a shitty writer to not understand why anyone does anything they do
not understand what makes me sad or nervous or angry at any moment
very mysterious it all is
this isn't a poem i just realized
none of this is poetry, the words are uninspired
i'm just too lazy to put in proper capitalization and punctuation,
poor sean's got real things to say and this monster post is gonna sink
his way down the page

on this cinco de mayo, here are the things that happen:
helping my friend cheat through school,
but remembering what school was really like and procrastinating all day
i'm writing this instead of doing the work right now
my therapist and i spent at least half the hour talking about movies and tv
like that's what i need more of in my life
sean sent me a text to come to milwaukee, which sounds good but exhausting for some reason
although i can get free white russians i think
i'm engaging in my recent habit of drinking coffee at night
because i feel i didn't get enough out of the day as it was
need another cup and i'll be right back!
mmmmm that's good
today i'm wearing sky blue slacks
today i have one dollar in my pocket and it's not mine
today i made skillet mac and cheese that tasted bland, but it's usually a good dish when i make it
i'm listening to al green's recording of "unchained melody" on pandora, which makes me like the song
today i'm into rockabilly, something i used to think i hated, this guy hasil adkins in particular
today i was also touched in some way by "in the midnight hour" by wilson picket, "tell it like it is" by the neville brothers and "tongue tied" by wanda jackson
no, i'm not familiar with anything recorded in the last thirty years
i don't think i've ever met someone named wanda
i should use it as a character name
she'll be a spontaneous bi-polar full of life girl
who rescues a depressed but handsome young man from young man melancholy
and she'll be played by lizzy caplan from party down

and i am one step closer to salvation, i think i always am
but the funny thing is that the only people who think they're saved
are the ones everybody else thinks is crazy
so to be saved is to be adrift of reality and everything i feel is important to me
all is vanity until you realize that all is vanity
or so i heard on a tv show
here's something else i heard on a tv show: "i wish you believed me"
ain't that the tooth?


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