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Monday, June 21, 2010

Magic Power

Watch your libido and your bank account swell up.  Learn to find soul-explodingly rollicking coitus so boring that you count the stacks of money on your nightstand to keep your eyes open.  Swindle your friends into selling doofuses sacks of chemical powder that come only in bulk and lead to serious health problems.

I love coffee.  I have been on a coffee bender for several weeks now.  When I was broke, I'd drink it all night because it was free.  When I was even broker, I used to dump sugar in it because it was free nutrients.  Now that I'm all but broke instead of just broke, I drink it every morning, every afternoon and all but all nights.  It's that good.  It has imposed a chemical dependency on me and I'm tired whenever I don't have it. Working two jobs, I couldn't write or read or do many of the other things I like to do in the hours that are not listed on my check stubs if it weren't for that lovely bean.  This post would never have been born if it weren't for that bean.  You are reading the consummate child of coffee and dicking around.

I first learned of Magic Power Coffee on MSNBC, where it was reported that the FDA was issuing a warning that the product has been shown to cause dangerously low blood pressure.  Their logo sums it up: a heart-shaped steaming coffee mug, the world's first aphrodisiac coffee blend.  It makes men "perform harder" and gives them "enhanced confidence" and "improved endurance."  For any of you people who happen to be women, there is finally a product out there to increaser your libido, that gives you a "stimulating buzz" and "multiple releases."

The best part about Magic Power Coffee is that it can only be bought in bulk from an MPC Associate.  Once you do that, you yourself become an MPC Associate and the amount of money you can earn as such is practically limitless, both positively and negatively.  Every new Associate is placed in  3x9 Matrix.  Fill up that Matrix and you can earn $25,000 per month, for selling a product that practically sells itself.

Experience in my life so far has lead me to devalue many words that once were great sultans of imagination for me.  "Evil" is one of those words.  It always made stories better when someone was evil.  The Nazis in Indiana Jones were evil, the Sheriff of Notingham was evil, etc.., etc.  I don't mean to baby my readers and pretend that I have something to tell them about the existence of evil.  It's either something you believe in or you don't.  It's a magic word like "love" or "God" or even "magic" that, whether or not you believe in it, has a conation that cannot be spelled in letters.  I don't believe in a thing such as absolute evil.  One person hurts another for a reason, and that reason is rarely, if ever, pure malevolence.

It is possible that something could happen that will change my mind about evil, but this is getting off the point.  The Magic Power Coffee people aren't evil, but they are smart enough to realize that foolish ideas can be profitable.  Theirs is a grandly foolish idea because it combines two great Western goals into one self-sustaining bug zapper.  Get laid and get rich at the same time.  Maybe these are actually the same thing in the end.

The people that buy this stuff are more of a mystery to me than the people who invented it.  The name "Magic Power "is an admiringly conspicuous promise of attaining the unattainable.  The minds who calculate the purchasing of a gram of unobtainium for a bargain price as the solution to any problem in their life are completely obscure to me as I attempt to x-ray them with my writers imagination.  I can't do it and so, I'm going to keep working on it.  I probably just need a run or a cup of coffee or a hit of something to get me there.  Anybody selling?

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