New York Friar's Club Roast of Dirt Dirtleson

Sean’s sole purpose in life is to give AIDS back to the monkeys.

He keeps his jobs about as long as his dad can keep an erection.

There is one career that Sean is looking at right now. He’s been in so many gaping holes that he could work for the geological society as a cave surveyor.

Sean’s not an organ donor, but he says every once and a while he meets a girl he likes so much that he lets her hold onto one of his for a while.

What I admire about Sean is his commitment. You know, he gave a hundred percent at the school he used to go to and the band he used to sing for and the relationships that he used to be in.

Really, though, Sean is a sweet guy. He’s my best friend and he has his qualities. His brother Dustin said that Sean’s dick is one of the biggest he’s ever sucked.

Yeah. Dustin wanted to be here tonight, but he was arrested for impersonating his wife.

Good night, everybody. Drive home safely.

How an English Major Jerks Off:

The Staring Contest

Dizzy in the day

Light on my eye

A fucking joke

Right about clobberin’ time

Kill it, Ray

Kibble for the little guy

Loopy last night

Where did that go?

Dry hair dusty with disease

Happening to the other dude

He’s gonna crack

There’s a sundae with gummy bears on it on the line

What a joking jacking japing juniper?

What a numbskulled nincompooped ninny

What a galloping gyrating gizmo

What a fallen forgotten faded fellow

What a happening hardy heartfelt halo?

What a satisfying scintillating scientific sick sin?

What a betraying benevolent baptizing battalion

What a ratifying raging redheaded rafter

What a debilitated disembodied deep dill diabetic

What a quantifying quarreling questionable quitter

What a calcifying captive commemorating caption

What a trembling tall tantalizing titillation

What a putrid portly portentous powerhouse

What a momentary mumbling methodical membership

What a late litigating lefty lollygagger

What a wooden wondrous whimpering winter

What a zagging zoological zygote

What a keen kilted keepsake kiln

What a gregarious gimped giving garage

What an abominable atheistic attainable atonement

What an offering offensive osteopathic other overage

What an edible evident exact effigy

What an undiscovered uncovered utilizing utterance

What an indelible inflammable incapacitating interest

What a varied veiny vinyl venereal vestige

What a xenophobic Xeroxing x-factor

What a yipping yelling yeah

Happy Holidays

It's time again for Norway's Globenschlob Festival, a one day extravaganza of traditional folk music, goat amputation, and blind fornication driven by a sweet liquor they make from a berry unknown in North America.
To commemorate the event, Sean will be playing a show on Sunday with his new side-project, Sweet Willy and the Know-It-All-Know-Nothings, covering some classic Norway folk tunes. Those of you lucky enough to be in Norway this Saturday can see him at the Heorot theater.

If, like me, you're stuck at home and can't make it to the show, the closest way to approximate the Globenschlob festival would be to start drinking within ten minutes of awaking, play whatever record speaks most directly to your heart (mine is "Jagged Little Pill"), and be drunk enough that just walking is a hassle. At this point in Norway, the plump housewives would be pulling steaming hot lamb pies out of their ovens, so eat whatever is closest to that in your home (for me, granola bars and hot dogs). The food will have taken the violent edge off your drunk, so you'll need more drink and any other drugs can't hurt at this point. Then its important that you reenact the sacred goat amputations of Globenschlob, wherein one goat in the village is decided to be the most meddling of all other goats and so all of his limbs are severed in the town square as a warning to the other goats and so that the farmers may exhibit the frustration they've been penning up all year whenever a goat has kicked them or they've had to clean goat shit off of their pants. The nearest thing is to find some sort of animal that has been bothering you and inflict physical harm in some way. Time, drunkenness, and illegality restrict us from the awesome display that the goat amputation provides Norway with yearly, and you just being one man, woman, or hermaphrodite will probably be unable to recreate it fully. This year, I've selected my roommate's cockatiel Basil, and I am planning to just give him one square punch in the face to make up for his alarming chirping that has woken me from the retarded womb of sleep many times.

This leaves only the blind fornication left to complete the activities of Globenschlob. It is best not to plan the blind fornication. As with life, despite what plans you make, the blind fornication will take its own unexpected turns; it is a willy-nilly phenomenon. The surest path to it is to become as drunk as is possible without needing hospitalization and to let Providence take care of the rest. However, a back up plan does help and so I have selected my roommate's cockatiel Basil for this honor as well.
Good luck and God-speed, you black emperor

Feel Good Flick Of The Year!

My brother said that Noah Baumbach probably had a terrible mother, after seeing Margot at the Wedding I don’t see how you could strongly dispute it. True to form Baumbach has his characters acting in unacceptably inappropriate ways including Jack Black Drawing pornography at the kitchen table, Nicole Kidman being venomous towards her son and sleeping with a man who is not her husband and also an asshole.

John Turturro stops in and is awesome as usual and Jennifer Jason Leigh makes me feel a little “Fast Times” weak in the knees. This wasn’t the best film I’ve ever see but the whole time I was happy to be sitting there watching it.

If you like Nicole Kidman and Jack black which I do, you should check this out. If you don’t like either, get your head examined.

All I Really Want to Do

Is skip my physics homework, then skip the class, and the snowy, sunny walk. Skip the lunch I'll want after class, skip walking home, or working out, or doing dishes, laundry. Skip taking day trips to Chicago and skip staying in the same place. Skip having to breath or chew or see myself in the mirror or think of something to say, skip selecting the next song that will play on my computer, skip evaluating and commemorating the scrapes we make on space-time when we move, skip millions of years of evolution, thousands of civilization (life has nothing to do with the tracks already fading from the trail), skip a future of things that could fall this way or that, the old towers swaying in the breeze and betting quarters on which will go first. Skip memory or thought or myself or everyone I've ever known well.
All I really want to do is, baby, be friends with you.

Counting the Ways

Madison's Seven-Day Forecast (props to local meteorologist Gary Cannalte):

TONIGHT:
Mostly cloudy and cold.
Low: 14
Wind: Light and Variable

TUESDAY:
Mostly cloudy and cold with occasional light snow developing in the afternoon.
High: 26
Wind: E 8-15 MPH

TUESDAY NIGHT:
Mostly cloudy with occasional snow tapering to flurries late; total accumulations of 2-4” likely.
Low: 19
Wind: NE 8-15 MPH

WEDNESDAY:
Mostly cloudy and cold with scattered flurries ending, then becoming partly sunny.
High: 26
Wind: N/NW 8-15 MPH

THURSDAY:
Partly sunny and quite cold (becoming mostly cloudy at night with light snow developing).
Low: 8
High: 25

FRIDAY:
Mostly cloudy with light snow and flurries ending, then becoming partly sunny.
Low: 18
High: 29

SATURDAY:
Becoming mostly cloudy and not as cold with light snow, sleet, and freezing rain developing late in the day or at night; mixed precipitation mixing with or changing to rain late at night.
Low: 14
High: 34

SUNDAY:
Mostly cloudy with light rain or mixed precipitation changing to light snow late in the day or at night.
Low: 33
High: 35; temperatures steady/slowly falling to the lower 30s by evening

MONDAY: Mostly cloudy and a little colder with light snow or flurries ending early, then becoming partly sunny.
Low: 23
High: 30

Yikes!

“strings run through the jaw

and kill its motion without asking

fuck sick and dying and never was

and even trying happiness before returning it for the

full refund –

the rollercoaster with a morphing track,

but keeps passing the same balloon salesman with lupus,

plastic vomit tubes and no destination

the sun-filled wind can whiz at you so fast that

it becomes a space known only to you and the great cosmonauts of yore

your sweaty skin is an airborne prison,

the prisoner gets vacuumed away if he breaks out of its walls

the third place greyhound enjoys Purina with every taste bud,

but his master can’t go on”

do you want to listen to that other Bob Dylan record?

no

do you want to have sex?

no

do you want to eat chicken?

no

do you want to go to the zoo?

no

do you want to go crazy?

no

do you want to cover ourselves in pancake batter?

yes

okay. get naked. we’re going to want to do this in the bathtub.

(he takes a bowl out and starts cracking eggs into it while she starts taking off her clothes)

CUT TO: INSIDE HER MIND- SUNRISE

(she is sorting through scratch-off tickets in the waste bin, looking so helplessly for a winner that she runs her hands through her hair, and he sits next to her and finds it with no problem. the ticket has three cherries in a row and it can be exchanged for $25)

gosh, that was lucky.

(her condescension does not come through to him)

i always have been.

(they kiss and before her eyes open they are in an enchanted forest, a panther purrs in a limb above their embrace. an older man with a walking stick crosses their path and she gives him the ticket and he also kisses her for a long time and his white fur is somehow comforting to her. the panther kills the older man in a spectacular display of blood, rainbow-like in its momentary simplicity and baffling arcing splendor, and feeds the body to his family for nourishment)

CUT TO: 70 YEARS LATER- DAY

(she is an old lady breathing in a mask and floating on her hoverchair through the halls of the retirement community on the moon that her family has put her in. he has blundered his way into an autumnal period of wealth and he wrote a check to a doctor who gave him a young man’s body and he volunteers at the old folks home on the moon, reading to them and serving them meals out of some strange guilt for being wrongly young. she sees him walking toward her with his young smile and she hovers next to him)

do you want to be mine forever?

i’ll be yours for the last seventy years.