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Thursday, December 6, 2007

Happy Holidays

It's time again for Norway's Globenschlob Festival, a one day extravaganza of traditional folk music, goat amputation, and blind fornication driven by a sweet liquor they make from a berry unknown in North America.

To commemorate the event, Sean will be playing a show on Sunday with his new side-project, Sweet Willy and the Know-It-All-Know-Nothings, covering some classic Norway folk tunes. Those of you lucky enough to be in Norway this Saturday can see him at the Heorot theater.

If, like me, you're stuck at home and can't make it to the show, the closest way to approximate the Globenschlob festival would be to start drinking within ten minutes of awaking, play whatever record speaks most directly to your heart (mine is "Jagged Little Pill"), and be drunk enough that just walking is a hassle. At this point in Norway, the plump housewives would be pulling steaming hot lamb pies out of their ovens, so eat whatever is closest to that in your home (for me, granola bars and hot dogs). The food will have taken the violent edge off your drunk, so you'll need more drink and any other drugs can't hurt at this point. Then its important that you reenact the sacred goat amputations of Globenschlob, wherein one goat in the village is decided to be the most meddling of all other goats and so all of his limbs are severed in the town square as a warning to the other goats and so that the farmers may exhibit the frustration they've been penning up all year whenever a goat has kicked them or they've had to clean goat shit off of their pants. The nearest thing is to find some sort of animal that has been bothering you and inflict physical harm in some way. Time, drunkenness, and illegality restrict us from the awesome display that the goat amputation provides Norway with yearly, and you just being one man, woman, or hermaphrodite will probably be unable to recreate it fully. This year, I've selected my roommate's cockatiel Basil, and I am planning to just give him one square punch in the face to make up for his alarming chirping that has woken me from the retarded womb of sleep many times.

This leaves only the blind fornication left to complete the activities of Globenschlob. It is best not to plan the blind fornication. As with life, despite what plans you make, the blind fornication will take its own unexpected turns; it is a willy-nilly phenomenon. The surest path to it is to become as drunk as is possible without needing hospitalization and to let Providence take care of the rest. However, a back up plan does help and so I have selected my roommate's cockatiel Basil for this honor as well.
Good luck and God-speed, you black emperor

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