silt and flack

i hear her sleeping and i see me typing.  i've erased seven sentences already before i decided on these ones. my nose is running.  it was warm out today.  i had to wear a scarf over my face while i worked in the silt today because i never did before and then my asthma kicked up and my lungs felt wet or muddy and it was uncomfortable i had thought to myself, "i would give $100 to not feel that right now." it seems like as i age, i will be more compelled to do smart things, like not work in a confined area full of soot and dust when i have asthma, like learn when it is best to keep my mouth shut and when it is important to say something, even if it is wrong.

people are important to me and sometimes the can feel like they're ghosts or maybe that i'm a ghost walking among the living and i don't know what goes in a single person's head or if a second is the same for us all and losing people scares me and gaining people scares me for the same reason and i had a thought today that all relationships are either beginning or ending.  i didn't even know what i meant by that but it was a thought i did not like and there should be two footnotes to that idea if you were to accept it.  1: that is not always true.  2: that's okay and you could think of your relationship lobby as having a revolving door and it is not a tragedy that people walk out, the important thing is that they were there at all.

i read william james one time and he was explaining the pragmatism of faith in god, defending it really, by saying that faith in god cannot be observed the same way a scientist observes a microbe unless they have faith, because having faith is what makes god possible.  the metaphor he gave, and i'm not trying to talk about god here, but about relationships, is of friendship.  you can't have a friend unless you believe that they are your friend.  believing they are your friend is what makes them your friend.  belief comes before the tangible as opposed to the other way around.